New, not improved, and certainly not edible in most countries

Hello followers and readers alike! I hope everyone’s November 27th was fine, regardless if you celebrated the holiday or not. I’ve been away due to forgetting that I have a blog, which I really shouldn’t do considering I read other peoples’ blogs? It’s confusing to be me sometimes.

But here we are and here we go. I’ve been debating on sharing this bit of information for some time, but ultimately I decided that I needed to share it. It’s not for the sake of getting the attention over it, but merely if it helps someone somewhere, or for the real reason of helping my itchy fingers.

So. Where to start? I guess I’ll just start at the beginning and go from there. (Forgive me if I ramble a little bit. I’m not used to typing my thoughts out, though I really ought to be.)

Hubby and I. And I know that is an improper sentence, but it is just that. We are a we and an us and a couple. Two months ago we weren’t doing so great. But really it begins farther back than that. Months, possibly years ago, things started to not go so great and it was all my fault. I’m not being hard on myself either, it really is my fault. I was trying to hide a big part of who I was and it was hurting our relationship. The secret. The lie. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Now this part may spark some incitement, but really it’s an opinion and since this is my blog, I’m sharing my opinion. Funny that.

I don’t believe in true monogamy. Now don’t get me wrong I believe in true love, but I also believe that it doesn’t just have to happen with one person. I know there are a lot of debates that go on anyway about soul mates and whatnot, but the way I see it is… I want to word this just right so bear with me. The way I believe and see things is I think it’s narrow minded to believe that you are only capable of loving one person, like that. I’m not saying that in the future I’m going to love someone near as much as my hubby, which I’ve explained to him lots of times, but I don’t think he will be the only person I love. Now I do believe in the love where you only really have stars in your eyes for one person, and I feel there are levels to love. I do. I know the basic ones are things like love for your parents, children, friends, household appliances. (Don’t judge.)

It started when I was very young. I couldn’t say how old exactly, but I always knew I was different. I know a lot of people say that, but I really truly believe that I am wired differently. I saw four people in the grocery store, two guys and two gals, just hanging off of each other in a romantic fashion. Without getting weird, I’ve always been sexually aware of things. No I wasn’t molested, I just always “knew” about sex. And while I watched them, besides my mother having a fit of the heebee jeebees (spelling?), I just knew that they were all together. And I just remember thinking. I want that. Sometime down the road, I knew I would have that. Watching them together, how happy they all were, it just felt right. It felt like the most normal thing to be watching. No weirder than if it was only two of them together. Fast forward many years and I still felt that way, but I was worried about it being a bad thing. When I entered my first relationships something seemed off. When hubby and I got together, things felt less off, but I always had that nagging in the back on my head. And so I tried to hide to it. In doing so, I killed my libido almost completely. I made him insane from not letting him take care of his needs, which I am scarlet to admitting. There are, well were only a couple of people who knew that, and it was because of the shame I felt. I just let it dig into me and eat away my lust.

And for the sake of time and potential boredom, I’ll skip the conversation we had and the heartache that almost was. He jokes often that I’m sewing oats, but ultimately when I told him, he gave me this “duh” look and said, “I’ve been waiting for years for this to start!” Because, oh yeah, we had this conversation years ago that I completely forgot about! Hooray for my brain and the things it chooses to remember. So what are we doing about it? Well we’ve entered into the swinging scene, for lack of better terminology. And I do have to say that it has given us a boost in our relationship. I guess I can see how some people would say we are just spicing things up, but it feels like so much more is going on.

To us sex is just sex. Not with each other I should clarify, but with other people. I’ve personally never understood how it makes sense that you no longer lust for other people after getting with someone. That goes completely against human nature. Humans want more and more of whatever they can get their hands on. We see this example every day in every day life. It doesn’t stop when you reach the bedroom. When I say monogamy is a lie, I mean it. I really feel that when someone gets with their partner then they are only making the choice to be with that one person. They are choosing to ignore the feelings of lust or wanting for someone else because why? Because it’s “wrong.” I won’t get into morals or religion or any affiliations of the two, but we all know why, and not why.

When I’m having sex with another man, my husband is right there with me. I don’t want to put too many racy details on here, but when he’s holding me while we’re having fun with someone else, or kissing me, or looking into my eyes… I can’t really describe the feeling, the sensation of just how utterly right it feels. How fulfilled I am at the moment. It makes no never mind to me the judgement I’ll receive over it either. Does it make me a slut? In one’s opinion. In another’s it’s just us doing what humans do. And boy howdy, no matter what restriction is applied, humans love fucking. Plain and simple.

I love my hubby more and more with every session we have. I get up in the morning after we’ve had our fun and there’s not a moment that doesn’t pass up where we’re not happy. I like to call it my destressing sessions because it really does help with that. Throughout the day, we’ll find each other catching a look at the other and just smile. Or we’ll sit and talk about it and get excited for the next time. If we’ve not had a good session, then we find a way to joke about it or the person and it’s ours. It’s what we share and there’s no better feeling for me. I love it when I go to work the next day and I’m just grinning to myself thinking about what I’ve done and how taboo it would be to talk about it. It’s exhilarating and totally freeing. And I have to say that it’s definitely taught me so much! I’d never thought about most of the things I’ve encountered thus far. It’s been a great learning experience and I really could not nor have wanted to do this without him.

 

Ode to Janice

I feel so bad right now. I feel like I’ve neglected a close friend or family member. I’m calling this blog “Ode to Janice” because last night I read something on line that one of my (currently) favorite authors said. She said that to her, creating her characters is basically this. You create the character, but then that character gets a mind of its own, becomes his or her own person. And it just really resonated with me. It also put in the fact that writers really are a certain kind of insane. My husband worded it best though when he said that writers were like children who never grew out of playing with our toys, bringing them to life, and I tend to agree with him. I can’t recall how many times I did something for a character because they liked it. So, against maybe my better judgement, or whatever you wish to call it, I’m going to reveal Janice. I feel that if she goes the way I want her to, or well not her, but her story, I’ll be doing this again. C’est la vie.

I was 17 when she came to me. And that’s exactly what it was. She came to me. I was sitting at my desk, listening to some music when this vision appeared. I could see her so clearly in my mind, and the thing was I wasn’t thinking about any particular person, or story, but as soon as she popped into my head, I knew her story. I could see her hair was a red, but nothing that natural redheads had, yet it was her natural color. Her eyes a shade of gray, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that weren’t contacts. And it built from there. Soon I was plunking away at my keyboard, seeing her sit in this room I had created. I had this doll to do what I wanted, but it wasn’t like that. Soon I was listening to what she wanted to listen to and creating things for her. It felt completely natural and when I start on a story, it still feels that way. I just feel so damned guilty that I neglected her for so long. The reason? I got scared. I won’t go into a ton of details because that would give so many plot points away, but this was huge. The was perhaps the biggest thing I had started writing. TONS of ideas. Hours of brainstorming and really I didn’t know how to get it all out there. So many things. Too many things. And it just started with a story. Smut. But she wanted me to build more for her. And now last night after reading that post, I realize what I need to do. I need to just write down all of the ideas, even the ones that are total shite and just set them aside. I need to be that friend again, that attentive lover, doting on my character, giving her what she needs. I plan on doing just that. I just hope that it isn’t too late and she still wants to be my friend.

Am thinking…

I couldn’t figure out what to write about for a bit and I started a new job. I realize I had a few free days, but really I didn’t know what to write about. I didn’t really feel like writing now. But here we go. I’m a cashier out at the airport. I make a decent amount, not nearly what I want to be making, but it’s money. My hours aren’t all that consistent, but I like it out there. Currently I’m looking at consistent hours for at least 3 months. That can change in a few days or sooner or later.
But that’s boring.

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I’ve come to the conclusion that if life is taking steps forward and backward, then I’m line dancing. Which I’m kind of okay with, because at least I’m still moving. Right now I’m up late because I can and I want to be. And I’m thinking. Some of the things I’ve got going through the brain I’m not so happy with, and others meh. But some. Wow. Some. It’s deep, man. Like ocean… well maybe not ocean deep, because thinking about that scares me, but it’s deep.

The hubby and I fell in love with a city and really want to move there. We can see ourselves being uber happy there with our kitties. God, I miss those furry little buggers. So much. I keep thinking about how us being away from them is so hard. I miss my kitty cuddles at night and getting woke up in the morning because of them doing something. But now, back home, there’s a stranger sleeping in our bed, using our stuff, and stealing my cuddles. My fuzzy children. I don’t care what anyone has to say, negatively of course, about that. I love them like I would love non-fuzzy children. Or rather, my non-fuzzy children.

I haven’t exactly been writing lately. Too much brain power is being used on other things. …Well that’s not true. I have written a few things. I even completed a short story that I want to make into an audio story.  I’ve been kind of working on a few other stories. I’m really looking forward to one story that I’m writing because it’s my first menage-a-trios. Woot! lol …Anywho. So yeah, I’ve been writing these on my way to and from work. Did I mention that I love riding the bus? It’s seriously a high light in my day.

Also. On a personal-ish note. I’ve been losing weight. The hubby and I have been walking lots. We hop on the bus, not literally mind you, and go places. …That sounds like I’ve not only stated the obvious, but I’ve smacked my readers in the face with a pop-up book.
Maybe I’ll post a blog talking about our adventures later on. …But now that I’ve said it, it’ll never happen. So let’s just say we’ve found some amazing places and enjoy visiting them. Also, I have to post the pictures of me being “slutty”. ….I have to have these boots. Just sayin’.

Oh. Back to the writing thing. I’ve got a few stories that I’m really anxious to work on because they’re collaborations. I’ve discovered that I really like writing with someone. More on that later. I’ll probably even post the stories on here eventually. It works because one of my partners in crime has a blog here too! I’d pimp it out, but I have to ask first. And I’m not going to do it now because I know he’s in bed and won’t be on.

Hmm… What else?

Ah yes. I’ve been thinking about whoring myself out so I can buy a bed. The hubby and I literally sleep on a pile of blankets, on the floor. Talk about comfy. Not! We have our pillows and a blanket to cover up with. How’s that for scrubbin’ it? I long for a bed. And I’m not really kidding about the whoring myself out bit. I don’t think I’d do it physically, although being used for the purpose of it would be interesting. Of course I’d make sure it was being recorded so I don’t get popped for prostitution. It helps that I want to be a porn star and I could maybe use those videos to start a website. …I’m putting way too much thought into this right now, haha.

But seriously, I long for a bed. I work full time and the only cushiony things I have to look forward to is the seat on the bus going to and from work. I don’t even have a comfy, cushy place to sit on here at home. Le’sigh. Although if this next pay check is spectacularly over 200, then I’m going to investigate in changing that. Even if I have to buy a fuckin’ mattress from walmart.com, then I will. I will be comfy, damn it!

…Rant over.

So work. Well work is pretty great. I love being a cashier. This is slowly becoming my favorite job. I’m so grateful to be employed right now. I just wish I could fit the school thing in too. But that’ll come, it has to. I don’t want to owe the government over 70 grand.

And I think that about covers it. Sort of. …

I know I say it lots, but I’ll write more later. Or I’ll remember to write more, will not do it, then feel guilty for doing so. Whatever comes first.

Sundry

I’ve picked today’s blog title because it is going to be many things. Firstly, I’d like to start out with a history lesson.

This book was the first Romance novel I ever read. I did so when I was 13. It’s a bit of a funny story. I was in my room cleaning, as was asked of me and I wanted to organize my closet. Little did I realize that my mom had been keeping her romance novels in there in a box. When I found said box, I wondered how many times I had seen her go into my room and come out. I always thought she was just snooping to make sure my room was clean. Obviously I was wrong there. …Anywho.  So when I found this box, I had to open it. And oh my. So many books! I felt so naughty! It was wrong to read these! I wasn’t old enough! …So I did what any good little girl of 13 would do. I pushed as much of my stuff as I could against my bedroom door, sat against the pile and pulled out the books, being careful of placement. I went through several. And of course, I knew from experience that there were “bad” things in the books. My mom coveted them. I wish I could start this with this book being the first that I picked up, but that’s not true. Although this book was on the top layer. I picked it up, opened the cover, read what the excerpt was and decided that I’d try this one. It sounded hot, and without getting creepy, I was turned on by it.
So I spent a week with this ritual. I would pile my door, sit against it, blare music from my stereo and read. By the time I was finished with the book, I wanted more. And I so I found another book. And another. And another. I think within the span of a month or so I read 7 or 8 Cassie Edwards novels.
Skip a few months. I don’t know how or remember how it happened, but my mom found out. She wasn’t mad which I was worried she would be. Instead, she bought me Harlequin romance and even gave me a box of romance novels that a friend gave to her. One of my favorite things to read at that point were these little Harlequin Romance magazine books with multiple stories in them. I devoured those. Now I remember! My grandma was moving out of her house into ours and I found her stash of those little magazines and sat in the living room and read them while they were in the garage. I didn’t hear my mom come in the house because I was so engrossed with the story I was reading. When she saw what I was reading, I can only guess what was going through her mind. She didn’t say anything, except to tell me there were more and asked if I wanted them.
Fast forward to a few years from then and I have quite an impressive collection of books on my shelf. My mom even gave me a few of her Cassie Edwards. During this time I had toyed with the idea of writing. At this point I had already been writing poems and the little stories kids write when they’re younger. Surprisingly enough, I had started working on a vampire story. I think this stemmed from reading Interview With A Vampire, The Vampire Lestat and starting on Queen of the Damned. I couldn’t help but want to take my story in a sexual direction. I tried and kind of failed. I still have that story, unfinished and just kind of shake my head at it.
At that point I forged ahead and wrote my first smut story. And then my second one. And then a third. Hey, I thought, this is pretty easy! I found the words came to me easily and though I knew I was technically too young, I started scoping out websites that I could post them on. I never did, but I thought about it.

…Okay, so I went through my blogs and yes I did post something like this, but this goes into more detail. Now in that blog it says the first story I ever wrote was The Storm. I don’t remember. It was too long ago, but I know my first two stories. I had even written an erotic poem. But here for your enjoyment is the first “crude” erotic poem I wrote when I was 17. If I ever find the first erotic/romantic one I’ll post that.

No scratch that. I lied. This won’t be the first or second, but definitely in the top five. lol
Enjoy.

Candied Cunts

Candied cunts and perfect dreams.
Transmission death,
and whipped through schemes.
Stop!
Can’t you see it?
Those chocolate filled creams.
Delicious on flesh,
licked from the skin.
Sheer clothes…
Sheets thin…
Devilish disaster,
a yummy sin!
…The blood…
it drips from my lips…
You lay back on the bed…
In your eyes a euphoric
glaze.
…Hot…
…Needy…
Sweaty skin, molded
together as one…
Slut!
They scream at you as
you leave his house.
Smut!
They burn down the house, but
he’s not there.
Grinning,
You walk away,
ignoring their chants,
licking your lips,
unzipping your
pants…
Rounding the corner to
his secret place.
His sexuality greets you.
engulfs you…
Smothers you to his
bed…
He hovers above you.
“Bite the pillow.”
Deeply…
Nestled inside…
He’s in your head…

Signs

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign… Ahem. Anyway.

I’ve been writing more lately, which is awesome I have to say. As I’ve been dabbling a little bit more I have noticed that my stories are getting longer. Now, I don’t remember if I’ve talked about it before, but I would like to start writing books. I have a few ideas that I’ve been working on for a few years. I figure the transition from short stories to books will end up being easier on me. But enough of that. More details will come later as I have more going for the stories.

Last night I was hit with a couple signs. The first was due to an email from a friend and the second I found on my own. It’s actually very scary for me, but I’m going to try getting a couple things published. I’m nervous about it, but excited at the same time. I really feel that this is the right thing to do. The feeling I have… It just feels good. The timing especially just feels right. Now, I’m not an expert writer so I know that there will be some rejections, but I will grow from them. I haven’t decided what I want to work on and submit just yet. I have so many stories that I have started to choose from, or I could write something fresh.

I’ve spent a good chunk of today browsing sites and seeing which ones take submissions. So far I think I have found six. …Really I don’t know what else to say without repeating myself. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. I guess the one thing I can say for sure is that I will have an awesome support group with my hubby being my number one supporter. 🙂