Something new!

So I decided to show off some of my dishes I’ve made.
I’ve come to decide that I love cooking. It’s one of my passions, and it sits right up there with writing.
So firstly, let me apologize by the blurriness of my pictures. I took them with my phone and I don’t have a very sturdy hand.

So here we have my Cinnamon Rolls… Fuck. I forgot what order they’re in.
Okay. So there’s Cinnamon Rolls, Spaghetti Bake. Oh! Pizza! My Chicken Hawaiin Surprise pizza. The surprise is in the sauce. lol
Oh bugger. I guess I better tell you details. What I did was put crushed pineapple in the sauce and spiced it up a bit. And homemade crust. Twas really yummy.
Chicken stir fry which I marinated the chicken in some lemon, ginger, crushed red pepper and some garlic salt. I used Ramen noodles because rice noodles were too expensive, and then I used carrots, onions, bell peppers and peas.
And then I did a Stuffed Pork Tenderloin. I made a homemade stuffing with bread that I toasted then mixed with carrots, onions, dried parsley and seasonings, held together by egg and then some water. Beneath the stuffing I used a cream cheese that had chives and onions on it. Served with it, I made cheesy scalloped potatoes, no not homemade. I used the boxed stuff this time. lol
Oh yeah! And as for the cinnamon rolls, I had never baked them before and found a really great recipe for them! I don’t remember it off the top of my head, but I know it was unique. ..At least to me. lol
If anyone wants recipes, please let me know. I don’t have pictures for all of my meals because I didn’t think about it, or they would have made terrible pictures. So I’ve made lots of things. I’ve made Lasagnas, casseroles, uhhh. Yeah, you get the idea. lol
Enjoy!

And the wheels started turning

Yesterday’s blog got me thinking. And I came to the conclusion that I wanted to write about it. This is just a little bit of info about myself. I grew up in a fairly strict household. From Kindergarten to fourth grade, I attended two private schools. The first one, I ended up getting bullied really badly, but I don’t want to talk about that. The second one, I ended up finding my doubts in religion and other things that started to shape me.
So here’s how it went. I started writing poems officially in the 8th grade after I was inspired to do so by a teacher. Said teacher was a muse at the time, though I still can’t quite figure it out.
Anywho. I had turned 14 and was writing poems. My mom had a bunch of Cassie Edwards books in my closet for some reason. To this day, neither her nor I can figure out why they were in there.
So I would do the sneaky teenager thing and stack a bunch of stuff in front of my bedroom door and camp out in front of it while reading these books. The first romance novel I ever read all the way through was Sun Hawk by Cassie Edwards. Then I’m not quite sure how it happened, but my mom became aware of it and was totally fine with it. I didn’t get a lecture about how I was too young or even how I needed to save myself for marriage. She just let me. Now it’s weird because my mom was pretty strict on a bunch of other things. For example, I wasn’t allowed to watch Rated R until I was 17 and she only stopped saying things because she couldn’t control me at all times. Her words, not mine. So yeah. I was a rock child. I didn’t see The Rocky Horror Picture Show until I was 19. And since then I’ve only seen it the once.
But that’s getting off topic.
So I was given all these books by my mom and even my aunt. It was really nice having the freedom. When we went to the store and I had money from work or allowance, then I could by a new Harlequin Romance novel. It helped that I had a college reading level in the fifth grade too, I might add.
And speaking of which, I was an avid reader, still am today, only I’ve stopped reading multiple books at a time. It’s not that I don’t have the concentration for it, I just never think to do it. When I was in the Fifth grade, over the summer we had a book challenge to read a certain number of books. Over the summer, I had read 500 books. No lie or exaggeration. This is part of why my imagination is in full gear I think, or something.
So no more tangents.
I read the romance novels, reading as many as I could get my hands on. My Great-Grandma had a collection of Harlequin Romance Reader Digest things. I don’t actually know what they’re called but they’re the same size as a Reader’s Digest. So I would read those and then I got her collection of books. I’ll never forget the day that the box was brought home. I was beyond excited. My dad at one point had even started to pay for my subscription to Harlequin Romance. You couldn’t tell it now though with how much I hate sappy mushy romancey type things.
But I started to think. I’d read so many of them. I KNEW I could write it. I just knew it. So when I was 16 I did. I sat down at my computer and I wrote The Storm. I also wrote some erotic/romantic poetry, but never showed anyone really. I was emberassed. I wasn’t ashamed, but I didn’t want my mom reading them. But I kept with it. And then I ended up getting into the chat rooms and also into role playing online. I had been warned, but I was careful and I used those for inspiration.
Long Night for example is sparked from a role play that I did with a friend. Online of course.
We were bored and I don’t think either one of us got off from it and truth be told, I don’t play online to get off. I get my inspiration from it. I get the juices flowing a different way. But alas, when I tell guys this they get turned off by the idea and won’t have any part in it. I’ve only found a couple who are okay with it and I’m forever grateful. 🙂

And as for the rest, well… I shan’t be rude, but I bet you can guess. lol

The one you didn’t know you were waiting for

Okay, so here’s a rare treat. A blog back to back. And the truth is, I wrote this last night on my dinosaur. I didn’t want to be lame and post two bogs in one day. Now I’m not saying people who do that are lame. I just think I would be lame for doing it. So yeah. Here. lol

It’s haunting me. I can’t get it out of my head but I can’t go anywhere with it either. As I sit and type this out, I want to pull my hair in frustration. And what is this one thing? This one thing is called Janice. Ode to Janice my beautiful, sexy, smart story character. Why do you haunt me so? If you aren’t going to show more of yourself to me, then leave me be!  And yet. The mystery is intriguing. What is she going to do? Who is she going to meet? Why did I decide to incorporate another fucking character?!
…Breathe, Morbid, breathe. And yes, I am calling myself that. I am Morbid to you and many others.
Anyway.
Janice. Yes, Janice and now Lari. You two haunt me, and yet if I dream about you, when I wake up, the ideas are gone and I’m left wanting to shriek in anger.
So I’ve not given up. I’ll never give up. But maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I need to let it go, need to let it be just a pipe dream that had a fantastic run.
Or maybe I should change it. People, family mainly are suggesting that I change the story entirely. Saying I should try it without the smut and make it a young adult read. I could do that. I could easily do that. At least that is what I tell myself to keep me pacified? Err, something.
I’ve also wanted to add to it and make it a more filling story. But in order to do that I need to get over this damnable, god forsaken, fucking pain in the ass, WRITER’S BLOCK!!!
And yes I’ve already contemplated just leaving it be the way it is. I like it the way it is, couldn’t agree more on that. BUT. I still can’t add to it either way. I’ve got TONS and when I say TONS, I mean TONS of ideas for it. I could feel… er, fill a whole fucking notebook!!! But I haven’t. I’ve wanted to get on research on ideas, but I haven’t yet. I just don’t know. I mean I do know, but I don’t know, ya know?
There’s great story there. There’s fantasy, fiction, romance, fighting, and lots of good ole fashioned hot sweaty sex! But yet, I can’t even write a fucking paragraph.
Grrr.
Fuck my life at the moment.
Anyway. Moment’s over.
I won’t harp on it too much, but I still want this story. I want it so bad I can feel it growing, but it hasn’t gotten full to bursting yet and I’m starting to wonder if it ever will.
Here’s a recap. Janice gets fucked by a mirror creature. Mirror creature leaves her with no memory of the incident. Janice gets fucked by a different mirror creature and 1st mirror creature comes back to rescue her. Then you meet Lari. She thinks Janice is dead and ends up getting it on with Janice’s boss. Ugh. Then there is part 4. And you all know nothing about part 4 because it hasn’t been written yet. I don’t know what to write in it either. Ugh again. Should I go with my original idea or come up with something different?
Ugh, grr, damn, damn it, damn it to hell!
It’s so simple. It’s complicated. It’s a fucking great read! But I can’t write it. I don’t know. I don’t know!
Mind breaking down over heating malfunction over now.

Back to the rant, er.. yeah.
When I was 17, I was sitting in my bedroom and she came to me. Literally. Not in a whoo, scary ghost way, but she was in my head. I saw her. With her long red hair, blue gray eyes, and sexy body. And I knew her name. Her name was Janice. That’s all I knew about her. So I began to write. I wrote out the description and ended up with several story ideas from it. I still have all of them on my hard drive. I had so many different ideas, but then I wrote it. The one. But I didn’t finish it until after I had turned 18. I don’t think the age changing or the virgin status is what changed it, but something happened and I finished it. Along with that story, I finished Long Night as well, but that’s another story entirely and probably worth a blog. Maybe.

So I wrote Janice: Part 1. And that’s all it was. I didn’t know it at the time, but there was definitely going to be a part two. Then I moved to Utah. And while listening to music like Disturbed and Nine Inch Nails, I finished Part 2. Truth be told, I didn’t have any musical inspiration to Part 3 and wrote it in two days which is something I never do. But then I edited it and it took about two weeks. I’m glad I edited it though. The first version was shit. In my opinion anyway. Oh and I got the same inspiration to finish part 1 like I did part 2. Only I mainly listened to Nine Inch Nails and some Metallica. My inspiration for stories comes from a wacky playlist. But yet again, that’s another story entirely.

So now I’m sitting here banging my head against my block. I’ve tried the tricks of the trade and have come to this conclusion. I’m depressed. I’m happy in many ways, but ultimately, I am depressed. My sex life is even suffering from it. The only thing I’ve enjoyed doing is cooking and reading, but even those are chores. But this isn’t a blog to whine. This is my venting blog I guess and to educate my readers a bit. And the depression bit is something I’ve been dealing with for a long time and lucky me! I live in America where I can’t get into the doctor because it’s too fucking expensive. (Sarcasm on that last note.)
But in November, I’ll be making money and having a blast doing it. Then if I’m still depressed, I can get something figured out.
And now it’s off with me. Not with my head. I’m going to try to work on unfinished projects or read or even watch a movie.
Happy trails!

It’s that time again!

Okay. So I really suck at picking blog titles. …Unless it’s very specific. Ahem. Anywho!

I’ve decided to ramble a bit. I have writer’s block and a friend once told me to just write and see what happens. So that’s what I’m doing. Bare with me, because it could be a bumpy and possibly boring ride.

Firstly, hubby buns didn’t get the job I said he did in an earlier post. He was going to take it but we all had bad feelings about it, so he didn’t take it. The downside to that is that job hunting blows and since I’m his unofficial secretary, I get to spend my time looking for him. Let me state that I don’t mind doing this as watching him type drives me banananananas!

I have a 75 wpm and he has about a 15. You see the dilemma. Hmm. I always thought that was spelled with a “mna”. ..Oh well.

So I’ve been job hunting for him and looking for temporary for me.

Drum roll please!

*makes drum roll noises*

If all goes well, I shall be going to Florida in November!
I’ve been (attempting) exercising when I can and I’ve given myself that, err, date to get it done. I want so badly to start my career in porn and hubby is beyond excited for me. Yay, me!

Hmm. What else…
Oh! I’ve been cooking dinner almost nightly and will have some nifty recipes for those who want to try them. I’ve been trying new things and tweaking older recipes. And voila! I’ve made pizza! Twice now! That includes making the homemade crust which was beyond easy. If I can figure out how to get the damn thing to work, I can post pictures of my foody goodness. I’ve even made homemade Cinnamon and Sticky Rolls. They were fantastic.

But alas. I have no idea what else to write about now. Though I was thinking about adding my Blair stories here since there’s no where else to put them..
Hmm. Maybe I will.
Until then though. Pleasant, err, munting?

Untitled Frustration

Okay, so I know it’s weird or odd. Insert your opinion here… But for the past few hours I was thinking about ninth grade Biology.
And the day that I am thinking of is the day I realized my pride was dented. I know it’s silly, but it’s really stuck with me.
I had to write a paper on Darwin and a “friend” asked if she could look at my essay. I of course let her, since we were getting along so well… Long story short, she copies my paper but I don’t find out about it until the middle of class. The teacher calls me up to his desk and expresses concern for my paper looks like hers.
Now at first, I understood why he would say that. I was failing Biology miserably. I just wished it would have dawned on me to confront him about it. I would have asked him to gather a writing sample from her as well as me. I excelled at papers/essays. And here I was being told that I cheated and that I wasn’t going to get the grade. I so wished I would have brought in an essay and showed him, but alas, I ended up getting the shaft. Ugh. I feel really stupid blogging about this right now, but it bothered me then and sadly it still is.
I don’t want pity. I don’t even want closure really. I mean sometimes I wish I would have punched her, but I didn’t dare hit one of the popular girls with my status. I was an outcast and wanted to keep it that way.
But now that I’ve typed it out. I feel better. 🙂

Truly Homeless

I don’t have a home.

I have a roof over my head and I have walls around me, but I don’t have a home. I used to be comforted by people saying, “Home is where the heart is,” but I can’t be comforted by it anymore. I used to think that my home was in Colorado and I needed to be there, and then when I first moved out here (to Utah) I felt the connection here, but now it’s gone. Hubby asked me if I wanted to live in Florida, but that doesn’t feel right either. I’ve gotten to the point of not knowing where I feel I need to be. It scared me at first, but now it just seems normal.
I don’t know where I want to be most of the time. Sometimes I think it’s CO, but that’s mainly because my friends and family are there, but it doesn’t feel like that’s where home is. Where is my home?
I’m happy with my hubby, but we don’t have a home. A part of me wants to stay here but the other part is torn. Is it time for me to find a new place to be? Do I need to go back to where home was and see if I get that welcoming feeling? I don’t know what to do.
I’m (hopefully) going back to CO in January because of my birthday. Maybe when I go back, I’ll know.
In a couple months I’m going to Florida to start my porn career. I’m very excited and slightly nervous about it. I’ll be going without my hubby and while we don’t like the idea, it means more money. That we like. lol

Hubby was finally able to get a job, but none of us are happy about it. Which I know is odd, but none of us like this job he’s taking. I hope to make enough money that he’s able to stop working there. I get to continue looking for the both of us and I hope to find something better for him.

Until next time though, love and pleasant thoughts to my friends.